Daughter

First off--praising Jesus tonight for a clear MRI for Mr. Kaden!!!! Thank you for praying and continuing to pray as he heads into the next three rounds of chemo!!!

***

A friend emailed this week about a recently released article by Josh Barney entitled “They’ll Have to Rewrite the Textbooks.” The article outlines research that indicates “the brain is directly connected to the immune system by vessels previously thought not to exist.”

I feel like we ought not judge too harshly the critics of Christopher Columbus who alleged the earth was flat. We think we know everything—and yet everyday my disease reminds me that we don’t.  This article is just another reminder of the intricacies of our bodies—of the incredible details we cannot comprehend--of what God created. Truly, it is all so unbelievable.  I am so encouraged by this finding, especially in its most notable significance that it may lead to new understandings of diseases like multiple sclerosis.

I am humbled by the Lord’s mercy, and I am reminded of his incredible sovereignty.  He is Lord over all.  He knows every hair on my head and even every vessel in my brain! It reminded me of the mother’s day gift I put together for my mom.  It’s a picture, inside a picture, inside a picture.

Of course, this was not an original idea—a Pinterest find, I’m sure! But the motivation behind it was inspired by a poem written by a dear friend. It is entitled "Daughter" by Caitelen Schneeberger. I will share it here, but I encourage you all to check out her website and her songwriting at www.caitelen.com or click on the poem below. Trust me, you’ll love it!

I just love the idea that when my mother carried me in her womb, the egg that eventually would become a part of Charlotte was already inside of me and thereby, inside of my mom. The intricacy with which He made our bodies and the care our Heavenly Father takes in every fine detail is breathtaking and overwhelming. It reminds me that we can never put our God in a box. He is always BIGGER and GREATER than we can imagine. And for that, I will be ever so thankful.  

Update: Kaden

I wanted to update everyone once more and urge us to continue to pray for Kaden. After much deliberation, the doctors do feel it will be necessary to change his broviac line. They will not be able to place this until next week, pushing everything back and keeping Kaden and the family in the hospital without any time home. Let us pray not only for healing for Kaden and for a safe surgery to replace his central line but also for patience and endurance for Jen and Tim. There lives from a hospital room are not something I can even pretend to imagine. May we lift them up to the Lord in this time of waiting. 

I have been doing an older Bible study by Beth Moore on the book of Esther this summer. Recently, we have been discussing timing. One of the last scenarios she mentions is "When the meantime is God-time." She reminds us of Isaiah 40:31:

...but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
    they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
    they shall walk and not faint.

Let us pray this for Jen and Tim--that their strength may be renewed, not as they wait on the surgery or on the next round of chemo, but as they "wait for the Lord." That their strength will be renewed in Him alone. Oh, may it be so!

Please continue to check my "Prayers for Kaden" Tab, as I will continue updates there! Your prayers are so appreciated!

Like a Child

Thank you for your continued prayers for Kaden. He was placed in the PICU yesterday due to a bacterial infection and very high fever. He is doing much better today, and they are hoping to transfer him back to his floor in the near future. However, there is a possibility they may have to change the central line which is used to give him all his medications and chemo. If this is the case, he would have to undergo another surgery. There is much uncertainty on what direction to go in order to ensure the infection does not return, so please pray for wisdom and discernment for Kaden’s doctors and parents. Please also continue to pray…

·         That his numbers will begin to rise

·         For the postponed MRI—that it will be 100% clear

·         For a positive hearing test tomorrow and that the next three rounds of chemo will also have no impact on his hearing

·         For HOPE and healing

Tonight we are reminded of the urgency and need to pray. I have prayed recently that the Lord would teach me how to pray. It’s an area I would probably have boasted about a month ago—an area in which I have felt much pride. But the Lord never lets us revel too long in our pride, and I have been humbled lately by how overwhelmed I have been with life—at how hard it has been to pray. So I prayed a few weeks back very specifically: Lord, teach me how to pray. Among other things, He brought me to a book called A Praying Life by Paul E. Miller.

As I literally sit typing, praying that you will continue the prayer challenge with me for Kaden, I feel compelled to encourage you not to be afraid to pray. God calls us to come like little children. That means we don’t have to be perfect in our prayers. That means it’s okay if you don’t pray at exactly the same time every morning, or if you forget one morning to pray altogether, or if you don’t know what to say and you just sit in silence asking the Lord to hear your heart cry out for Kaden. No matter where you are at in your prayer life—whether your prayers sound like a seasoned preacher or like a little child--God wants to hear from you.

Miller says, “This is the gospel, the welcoming heart of God. God also cheers when we come to him with our wobbling, unsteady prayers. Jesus does not say, “Come to me, all you who have learned how to concentrate in prayer, whose minds no longer wander, and I will give rest.” No, Jesus opens his arms to his needy children and says, “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28, NASB).  The criteria for coming to Jesus is weariness. Come overwhelmed with life. Come with your wandering mind. Come messy.”

Come messy. We are all a mess, aren’t we? So let’s go to God, mess and all, and beg for mercy for this little boy. As the song so rightly puts,

"There is power in the name of Jesus... ."  

THERE IS POWER IN PRAYER!

Our prayers don’t have to be perfect—they just need to come with a genuine belief in the great Father who gave his only Son that we, who are sinners, might have eternal life.

A God that good may not answer the prayers exactly as we want them to be answered, but He will answer in His good and perfect will.

May we continue to come to Jesus like little children—for this little child.

Going on a Mission

Originally written: October 30, 2015

Today Cameron and I went on a date—a “mission,” as he likes to call it. I'm trying to be more intentional about spending time with Cameron and Peyton separately, since they are twins and have done and continue to do so much together. We started at Peace Love and Little Donuts! He chose M&M and Rolo. We sat in the car to eat, and he climbed up in the front seat—such a big deal for the little guy. We talked about God, about being thankful and even about the Holy Spirit (talk about a challenge to explain to a four year old).

Next we went into the toy store to look around. I followed him from one aisle to the next—watched his little eyes dance with joy.  “I’m ready for Arby’s now, Mom,” he told me. I had promised that’s where we would end up. When we got there, I orderedhim a chocolate milkshake (Happy Hour from 2-5pm—small milk shake for $1!!!). I sat there and watched him suck it down (of course, back in the front seat as we sat in the parking lot in front of Marc’s).

And then it dawned on me: our children often call it like it is. This really is my mission.  Moms—this is our mission field--our sweet children—sitting in their car seats, begging us for our attention. So often we look with jealousy or with thankfulness or with such distance at the “real” missionaries in our churches. They live behind the window pane, across an ocean, in a different world. But right before us the Lord has placed each of us our own mission field, our own battlefield. Are we going to bat for our children each day? Are we telling them Truth each morning? “For this is the day the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it.” 

King

Originally written: October 28, 2015

There is pressure everywhere these days to have the smartest, most athletic, most beautiful, most talented child in the world. I catch flak all the time that my kids aren’t already in organized sports (they just turned four!).  Everywhere I look, I feel the pressure to be already preparing my children to be valedictorians.  Then Brian steps in (ever the voice of reason) and reminds me that they are children!

Most importantly, though, we are constantly having to be reminded that they are children of God!

My friend Alison sent me this link the other day, and it was such an answer to prayer. It reminded me that when my children get to the gates of heaven, He is not going to ask them how many A’s they had on their report card or whether or not they were the all star running back on the football team. Mind you, those things are not bad—in fact, done in the proper perspective (giving your best to glorify God), those things are fabulous. However, those goals as the end result are not. I love this article because it reminds me of the true purpose of living in a world full of sin and the constant temptation to live for me--to live for my recognition and my own glory rather than that of the glory of God and to be a light to the rest of the world. Don’t get me wrong—anyone who knows me at all, knows I am a competitor at heart. I don’t believe in giving everyone a trophy, and as a coach, I probably can't describe my feelings on losing without getting red in the face. However, this article reminds me that unfortunately sports are king in this world, and the attitude with which we approach a game may very well indicate the very attitude with which we will thereby approach life. I encourage you to read the whole article--not just the first few paragraphs:

http://renee-robinson.com/dear-boys-why-i-wont-tell-you-im-proud-of-your-home-run/

I loved the way we talked about it on Sunday at church—it is more the pursuit of holiness that we should be after. When I get to the gates of heaven, the Lord is not going to reflect on how I perfected Charley’s jump shot but on how I molded and trained up her soul.

I pray even now for protection from the temptations of this world because I know it will be a daily struggle.  Let's just say I've got a long way to go from reflecting everything in this article. 

But I am thankful for the reminder of who ought to be King of our lives. 

The Infantry

Originally written: October 27, 2015

The infantry are on sabbatical.  That’s what the doctor has told me, anyway.  The medicine I take for my MS sends roughly 75% of my white blood cells (the infantry) into hiding.  I can assure you this is not a good thing for the winter months and Ohio’s sick season.

Outside of nursing twins, I’ve never been this consistently exhausted in my life.  I can go to bed at 8:15, wake up at 6:20 and feel like I could sleep another 12 hours.  My eyes have weights on them, and there are times where I feel like a statue—no matter how badly I desire to move, my limbs are just too heavy.  I think this is called a cold run amuck on steroids (MS).  I think perhaps I am literally under attack.

I’ve been off my meds for three days now—pulling the infantry out of hiding, in hopes to slaughter the cold in its tracks (while praying in my head that I won’t wake up and not feel my legs or hands or…).  The nurse says I need to get back on those meds tomorrow.

So I’m grumpy and ridiculous (and on my period), and at one point today sat in the middle of the kitchen floor crying.  My dear, sweet husband doesn’t know what to do in these moments, so he gave me a hug and took the kids outside. 

My mode of attack is to stay germ free.  Here are some of my top tips:

1.      Washing my hands more.

2.      Not sharing drinks with my children. (Not going to lie—this one breaks my heart.)

3.      Giving backwards high-fives. My team has committed to help me stay “sick-free” and is willing to give me backwards high-fives, which apparently are “in” right now. My mother’s response to my ingenious idea: You still need to wash the back of your hands, you know.

4.      Smoothies. We make smoothies every morning—shout out to the Nutri-Ninja! We add spinach and carrots, which are a great way to get veggies in my toddlers!

5.      Vitamins. I’m trying to take a women’s multi-vitamin daily. And again, it’s a healthy habit that encourages my kids to take their Flintstone vitamins!

6.      Healthy eating.  Today’s slow cooker beef roast recipe looks like this:

·         Chicken broth

·         Can of heart healthy mushroom soup

·         Carrots

·         Salt/Pepper

·         Packet of Lipton’s Onion Soup mix

·         A tiny bit of Worcestershire sauce

·         Parsley

·         A bunch of leftover veggies I just threw in!

7.      Eating more (meaning healthy snacks throughout the day to give me more energy—almond butter and honey with bananas is a yummy favorite!).

Yet most importantly, I’ve been reminded the Great Physician lives within me and He is really the only one who can heal.  I am confused by this exhaustion because it seems to be taking more than my physical health.  For example, the other day I had to make a difficult decision. How can it be that God desires me to miss Bible Study? I thought, beating myself up for being so tired and yet recognizing my limit closing in on me from all directions. And yet, I know He is calling me to obedience. Even when it’s not what I want, even though I desperately want to hop in my car and go to the morning study. I know I need to listen.  Your will and not my own.  Immeasurably more than all I ask or imagine. 

This week has been an exercise in trust, as I have felt that if this exhaustion continues there is no way that I can. 

Yet I was reminded last night as I read from Elizabeth Eliot that my strength is in the Lord and that to fear the future is a futile waste of energy.  She says it so beautifully: “There is no need to fear the future, God is already there… .”  

And I just love it: He is already there! He was and is and ever will be. 

"Proud" Parenting

Originally written: October 26, 2015

My little boys knew their ABCs and 123s before they went to preschool at three years old. I was a mighty proud mama. I know it’s the competitor in me, but I want Charlotte to know them right now. Why? Who knows—keeping up with the Jones’s, I suppose.  I am learning it’s a battle not worth fighting.  God is not going to ask me whether or not she knew her ABCs when I get to heaven. I think He might be far more concerned with how I’ve taught her to glorify Him. He continues to teach me about pride in these small, daily ways and, well, let’s just say He’s still working.

She had me laughing the other day in the car. My boys watched these Pre-School Prep DVDs when they were young.  In my head I can hear the repetition: “Red, Red, Reeeed, Red, Reeeeeeeeeeed…” (we are talking pound my head against the wall kind of repetition).  But they knew their shapes, their colors, their letters, their numbers… . ` 

Charlotte, however, does not want to sit and watch these, nor does she want to do any activity that involves the letters.  I believe if she could voice her opinion more articulately she would say, “Mom, this is all SO beneath me.”

Really—she’s over them because her brothers are over them.  Or, as my mom would say: “She’s going to do it on her own time. She is her mother!”

So I had the novel idea that I would put them in the car.  Watching anything in the car is a major treat, so I figured, Why not letters?

We are now into day three of the experiment. This is how it is going:

DVD: A, A, Aaaaaaa, A…
Charlotte: A
DVD: B, B, Bbbbb, B…
Charlotte: B
Mommy: What comes next, Charlotte?
Charlotte: 2

I’ll have to keep you updated!

Nothing Gold Can Stay...

Originally written: October 20, 2015

I stayed for Praise and Worship time at pre-school today. Just the fact that they have a Praise and Worship time is desperately wonderful! Parents are invited to stay and participate, so Chi Chi and I joined the parade. They join together kids from three years old through first grade to sing songs and worship Jesus together.  We stood outside, circled around a chalk-drawn boundary, so the kids would know where to stand.

I stood directly behind Cameron and Peyton, on the outskirts of the circle, Charlotte in one arm and the other hand holding my twin boys’ hands together. It was so precious and also kind of hilarious. My boys are the ones who don’t do anything. Everyone is shouting, “I’ve got peace like a river…” from the top of their lungs, making the wave motions with their hands, little bodies bee-bopping to the beat—and then there are my two: still as a statue. 

Every year the school has a feast around Thanksgiving time. The kids get to choose what dish their parent has to bring. It always makes for an interesting menu. Last year I got hot dogs and white pasta.  Some people get lucky: cookies or m&ms.  Like seriously… . At least Peyton didn’t ask for steak!

Ultimately, the children perform songs for all the parents and guests within their classes.  I’ll never forget my boys standing on the outside edge, holding hands, apparently unable to move a muscle while everyone else was having a grand old time. Memories…at least they love each other.  Besides, I was always terrible in choir!

So today, as we stood around the circle, it confirmed that a year had not improved their participation much. And yet, I know they are listening. At night during our family worship time, we read from The Jesus Storybook Bible, sing songs of praise and then pray together.  Peyton loves to sing in these moments! “Praise God from whom all blessings flowwwww… .”  He belts it out! So I don’t worry too much about their timidity in front of an audience.

But as Chi Chi and I pulled away after watching that precious time, I was reminded of one of my favorite poems.  Every class I taught (from seventh graders to sophomores and seniors) had to memorize and recite Nothing Gold Can Stay by Robert Frost.  Every person should know at least one poem by heart, and this one in particular, is a favorite.

I recited it in my head as I drove down the lane, appreciating the beauty of this beautiful autumn day. My children will know this someday, I thought to myself:

Nothing Gold Can Stay

by Robert Frost

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower; 
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

And it’s true. The leaves are on fire and they shimmer with golden hues, but they are not permanent. They will not stay. And it is a reminder for me that this world is not permanent. It will not stay.

I long for the day when gold will stay.  Forever. 

Love and a Cat

Originally written: October 17, 2015

Brian read this to me tonight from Facebook: “I’ve got 99 problems and 86 of them are completely made up scenarios in my head that I’m stressing about for absolutely no logical reason.”

That’s so you, he told me.

Wow, thanks honey….

MEN! What are you going to do with them?

But even despite that, I’m so thankful for my man. Let me tell you why:

1.      He loves me even though he thinks 86 of my 99 problems are made up.

2.      He listens to all 99 problems.

3.      He forgives me when I forget to tell him things. 

Example: Brian is doing the bills.

Brian: What did we do on the 14th? That was this week…

Me: Ummm…

Brian: Did you take out $250?

Me: Ya, I think I did. I meant to tell you that.

I don’t even think his blood pressure went up a single point. 

4.      I strongly dislike pets.  Yes, I said it. My husband is a vet, and I don’t like pets.  Please pass all judgment now and then leave it behind. 

I saw this saying when we were in Hilton Head and laughed so hard I had to take a picture.  I just came across it again. As I’ve mentioned before, we have two cats: Sammy (diabetic, on insulin twice a day and Prozac because he bites me!) and Mr. Darcy. 

They make life challenging because there is nothing they won’t stop at to get whatever it is that I’m cooking.  I have threatened many times to let Sammy out “by accident.”  I say I wouldn’t be disappointed if he was gone, but truthfully, I might shed a tear. Maybe.  Darcy and I have a stronger bond—he is resting his head on my computer keyboard at this very moment (but don’t be too impressed—this has never happened before).

Either way, I tell you all about these cats because it is the least I can do for a man who loves Jesus, loves me, loves our three babies and desperately wanted to be a large animal vet and still moved to North Canton. 

I am one lucky girl.

Trust

Originally written: October 16, 2015

People ask me all the time how I am.  Just the other day one of my players asked how it was going.  I told her everything was good and then changed the subject.  That’s what I do every time. She was so honest: “Coach, you’re so confident in everything you talk about, except this.”

And it struck me that what she meant was, “I know you’re lying.” And I was. 

This has been the hardest two weeks outside of the immediate diagnosis.  I am often afraid. My hands are back in full swing.  We went to a new doctor—local, but more specialized. I was so excited for the appointment—had been praying about it for months. 

I don’t know what I was expecting, but I left with a heavy heart.  I liked him. A lot.  I will switch, and I know the Lord is in this transition.  But if I am going to be honest, I think I wanted to go in and hear they can fix me. Instead, I had to stare at the MRIs of my brain and spine again, be faced with the undeniable reality that those pictures reveal. The white spots, the finger-like lines that make my case “a no-brainer”—no pun intended.  I have MS.  Deal with it.

I’m trying. 

The hands are as bad as they have been in months (which is not to say they are bad, just noticeable).  And I am so tired it’s getting in the way.  I’m stressing about stressing, recognizing that as one of the greatest triggers for another attack.

As the fall comes to a quick beginning and, as always, a quick close, I wonder what this winter will hold for me.  I want to know what happens next.

I was convicted about this the other day while I was getting ready in the morning and my three children sat on the bed watching an episode of Sofia the First.  I found myself asking my four year old what happens next (because surely he’s already seen this one before).  And I thought to myself how absolutely ridiculous it was that I needed to know exactly what was going to happen in a most predictable and trivial cartoon.  But that’s how I am in life, too.  I want to know what’s going to happen next. 

Then someone sent me this quote from Francis Chan:

"But God doesn’t call us to be comfortable. He calls us to trust him so completely that we are unafraid to put ourselves in situations where we will be in trouble if he doesn’t come through.”

And isn’t that so where the Lord has me? I am weak.  And I hate it.  Yet the very weakness I hate, brings me closer to Him, forces me to place all of my trust in Him.

TRUST.  I know the Lord is checking in.  Are you trusting me? He keeps asking. 

So I pray, and I kick and I scream on the inside as He teaches me to seek Him, to trust Him, to abide in Him... with all my heart.    

Loudonville Fair Day

Originally written: October 10, 2015

Loudonville Fair Day. It should be a national holiday according to my husband.  Someone called last night to offer us OSU tickets. I looked at my husband as he weighed them out with his hands.

OSU? Fair? OSU? Fair?

No contest, he said, as the hand representing the fair scaled towards the ceiling. 

And it did not disappoint.  We rode down with some dear friends.  The girls rode in the van and Brian and the boys jumped in their Suburban.  We made it in time to catch some of the livestock sale and then made our way down the fairway to grab some lunch.  It was a beautiful day, perfect for the fair, perfect for fellowship with our friends and Brian’s family.

But the best part of the day was on our way back to the farm after it was all said and done. As we turned to head up the hill (I opted for Grandma Allerding’s apple pie rather than a fair dessert), the sky lit up with the Lord’s majesty.  You could see the brush stroke of cloud where He’d painted the blue with a streak of pink.  The hills rolled out before us, and I was reminded of just how BIG our God is.  I am so thankful for the reminder.  At the risk of sounding too cliché: it actually took my breath away.  

Kaden -- Morning Prayer Challenge!

I am continuing to write updates every few days on my "Prayers for Kaden" tab, but tonight I come to you with a renewed sense of urgency. Kaden has had a very rough time with the chemo the second time around. He is suffering from high fevers and many other terrible side effects. He needs our prayers...URGENT prayers.

I wonder if you might commit to join me first thing each morning to fall to your knees and pray for Kaden?

 Put a reminder on your phone, set the alarm for a minute or two earlier. Before you do anything--hit those knees and pray! Even if only for one minute! We must never underestimate the power of prayer. Not only did God send Jesus to die for us, that we might believe and have eternal life, but He also gave us the awesome gift of the Holy Spirit that as believers in Christ we might communicate with Him.

 In this moment, I am reminded of Romans 8:26. I have no words strong enough, eloquent enough, urgent enough to express what I feel for this little boy. May the Holy Spirit intercede for us and may our mighty and merciful Savior pour out his love on this family! 

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.

Romans 8:26

Good Eats

Originally written: October 9, 2015

We had a family from church over for dinner tonight, and I needed a dairy-free recipe.  Panic.  I am not a good cook, and I am in no way a creative cook.  My staples are lasagna or chicken and white pasta, both of which are covered in dairy and frankly, not very good for me either.

Fruit.  I can do fruit, I thought. Brian and the kids had been to Loudonville and brought back a watermelon the size of Texas.

 

But fruit cannot serve as a main dish, so…

Who you gonna call??? My mom!

The grocery store had pork roasts on sale this week, and I figured Mom would have a good idea for a pork roast. And of course, she did! It was seriously the easiest recipe in the world (and I mean that because I am a dummy in the kitchen). Here’s my new favorite slow-cooker recipe from Haylie Pomroy:

·         2 ½ pounds boneless pork roast

·         1 cup minced pepperoncini peppers

·         1 cup pepperoncini juice

·         1 tsp. black pepper

·         ½ tsp. sea salt

·         ¼ tsp. dried oregano

·         ¼ tsp. dried basil

·         1/8 tsp. dried rosemary

·         1/8 tsp. dry mustard

·         3 cups chopped broccoli, spinach or asparagus

Throw everything in the slow cooker (except the vegetables) for 6-8 hours or on high for 4-5 hours. Serve with steamed vegetables!

Note: I made a few adjustments. I poured a bunch of organic chicken broth in the bottom of the crock pot and only used a little of the pepperoncini juice—trust me, it gives it plenty of bite!

We served it with steamed broccoli and white rice.

About an hour before our guests arrived, I realized I had no dessert.  I grabbed my phone and Googled nondairy desserts. This is seriously the easiest dessert to throw together! I didn’t have any dates in the cupboard (I mean, who does?). It made me think of Amelia Bedelia cutting up the calendar! So I substituted Craisins for the nondairy and chocolate chips for another batch.  Yummy!

·         3 ripe bananas

·         2 cups rolled oats

·         1 cup dates, pitted and chopped (again, not my thing!)

·         1/3 cup vegetable oil

·         1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Mix all together and let bowl sit for 15 minutes. Drop onto cookie sheet and let bake for 20 minutes at 350 degrees or until lightly brown. (from allrecipes.com)

Best part of the evening: spending time with new friends.

Deeper Still...

Originally written: October 2, 2015

I forgot tonight for awhile that I have MS.  No one asked about it at the fundraiser we attended, and I didn’t think about it.  I’d already decided I was going to eat what I wanted, and it couldn’t have worked out any better that they had PEACE, LOVE & LITTLE DONUTS.

I had two. 

But then a beautiful young mother said she was expecting, and I groaned on the inside—just a pang of longing for that feeling again.  We put Charlotte’s high chair downstairs today. Even as I type this, I contemplate going down to retrieve it.  It’s like looking through an old year book—as if the picture (or the high chair) will keep me (or her) in that stage forever. 

It’s not that you can’t ever have kids again, the doctor in Cleveland told us. Just not right now. You need to get this under control first.   

And I know it’s so selfish—I have three beautiful children.  There are so many wonderful women who would die just to have one.  But we are selfish beings, and I can’t help it.  I want more.  But it’s hard to imagine going off the medicine. I’m so afraid of another attack, what the next one might leave as a permanent reminder of this disease. 

Eating all that food didn’t help anything, either.  It took me til the morning to realize why I was up at 3:30am, unable to get a wink of more sleep.  It’s great eating healthy, until you eat unhealthy and it throws your whole system out of whack!

So I came downstairs to read a little of Elizabeth Eliot, and I felt a strong necessity, a stirring inside of me to surrender again.  Like in Hocking Hills.  Like the scary, am I really doing this, kind of surrender. 

Don’t you remember what happened last time?  Surrender on Monday—MS on Friday… . 

I was sort of in a delirious, super tired kind of state at this point, so I’m not exactly sure how it went, but I do know I turned over and talked to the Lord about it.  Inside my heart.  And I know that He may call me deeper still.  And I asked to be okay with that. 

It happened in church again today, and even as I write to you I look outside at the quiet creation and know He is calling me deeper still.  And I can tell you I’m desperately afraid—I can sense it back there behind the shield, lingering, because He’s allowing it to—because that’s part of having faith: knowing that it’s scary and still believing. 

And I pray: I surrender again and again and again. Sift me, Lord if you must. Help me to TRUST in your promises. If there is any other way… your will and not my own.

“I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.”

Amen. 

Good Father

Originally written: October 4, 2015

The song “Good, Good Father” has been on repeat for weeks now.  I actually bought it on my phone (and I don’t buy anything on my phone, except for my friend Caitelen’s EPs: Undone by Grace and Dark is Light--they are AMAZING and her voice really is like an angel’s!!!).

But this song—it just gets me deep down in the nitty gritty parts of my life.  It's just so simple.  It reminds me who God is, and it reminds me exactly who I am…

“You’re a good, good father. It’s who you are. And I’m loved by you. It’s who I am.”

Doesn’t that just seem so easy? So simple? But I am reminded of a coaching clinic I attended a few weeks back.  The coach was discussing some very simple, fundamental things that a good player and program will do.  And she reminded us that although they may be simple, that does not mean they are easy.  It’s so easy to get the two confused.

It’s simple, I tell my team.  Box and out and rebound, or we are not going to win. 

It’s simple! But I can assure you that is one of the most difficult things to get a team to do consistently!

And I feel like that with this song. It’s so simple!  But then why is it so hard to remember sometimes? Why do I worry? Why do I stress?

I AM LOVED BY GOD! IT’S WHO I AM!

But there is another part to the song that grabs me now. The part about “calling me deeper still.”    I’ve listened to it so many times; I know each word by heart.  Yet there’s something about these words that have struck me in a new way recently.  And they scare me. I recognize that He will always be calling us deeper into His love, but now with the unknown of my MS, I wonder what exactly that will look like.

I know that my MS has brought me deeper. It’s given me two options: either get deeper or get out.  It seems like a no brainer.  But when I recognize how suffering (and I use the term loosely because I recognize my “suffering” is nothing in comparison to so many others) has brought me closer to the Lord, it makes me nervous as to what is next.  How else will He draw me closer? And yet I remember again the verse on my fridge: “But as for me, it is GOOD to be near God” (Psalm 73:28). 

Our circumstances—especially the ones with the most heightened emotions, whether that be of extreme joy or deep sorrow—seem to draw us (or at least me) closest to the Lord. 

TRUST. It all comes back to trusting our good, good Father.

Humility

Originally written: September 29, 2015

Now, I, Nebuchadnezzar, praise and exalt and glorify the King of heaven, because everything he does is right and all his ways are just. And those who walk in pride he is able to humble.

Daniel 4: 37

This week in my Daniel study it is all about pride. We are in Daniel 4 where King Nebuchadnezzar fails to heed God’s warning and is put through the absolute depths, while God trims that pride back to a stump before allowing him to grow again (if you can, go read Daniel 4!).  I have been praying desperately that the Lord will teach me about pride and that I might listen so as not to have to trudge through a Nebuchadnezzar-like experience myself. 

Lord, if there is any other way…teach me. Reveal my pride. Forgive me and help me to learn this lesson without having to go through the depths on this one.

And the Lord has answered: I can tell you the Lord is letting me know just how proud I am.  I’m proud in my work, in my friendships and so very proud in my marriage (like when Brian comes home at lunch and gets a little frustrated with the kids.  Here’s what I have to say on the matter: “Yeah, I know. Imagine being me—here ALL day with them!).  Yikes!

Isn’t it crazy, though—I can even be so proud in my service to God and in my worship!? I can start calculating all the things I’m doing well and how so and so isn’t spending that much time with God… .

Woah!!!

The Lord has been working on my heart, revealing an abundance of prideful thoughts (even in my humility!).

How easy it is to be proud.  But in my plea to not have to learn this lesson the hard way, God is humbling me in a most merciful and unexpected way—WITH THE IMAGE OF HIS AWESOME LOVE.  I put it in all caps because I have been humbled this week by the way the Lord loves me in a way I could never reciprocate.  There is nothing to be proud of here—only thankful and sincerely humbled (to the point of tears).

You see, this week in Bible Study we are looking at the covenant God made with Abraham in Genesis 12. I listened to a sermon our leader sent us called “Abraham and the Torch” by Tim Keller (check it out on YouTube—I’m telling you, so worth it!). The interesting part about it is that Abraham was not perfect. He was not sinless. He was human. He was like you. He was like me.

But Abraham believed God! Notice I didn’t say Abraham believed IN God—yes, he did. Yes, I do. But Abraham TRUSTED God’s promises and that every one of them would come true!

One of the books we are using to supplement our study is The Whole Story of the Bible in 16 Verses by Chris Bruno. Here is his (much better than anything I could write) explanation:  

“The last of the promises that God made to Abraham was the promise to bless all the families of the earth through him. But to be a blessing to others, Abraham had to receive a blessing from God first. And that is exactly what happened. As the promise was unpacked over time, God told Abraham that he would be ‘their God’ (Gen. 17:7-8).
The promise to be their God was not a light thing. With these words, God was promising to give the same blessings to Abraham and his offspring that he gave to Adam and Eve: he would live with them as their God and they as his people. But this raises a question: What would keep Abraham and his seed from messing up the same way Adam and Eve did? How could God guarantee that they wouldn’t break this covenant as well?
In Genesis 15, we find an amazing answer to this question. About one year before Isaac was born, God came to Abraham and gave him a strange vision. God asked Abraham to sacrifice several animals and cut the carcasses in half. Then God appeared to him in a vision as a smoking firepot and a flaming torch that passed between the halves of the animals.
While this bizarre scene might be incomprehensible to many today, in the ancient world, its meaning was clear. It was common for two partners who were entering a covenant to sacrifice and divide animals just as Abraham did. They would then walk between the animals together, as a way of saying to each other, ‘May I be like these animals if I fail to keep this covenant.’
But in the vision of Genesis 15, God walked through the divided animals alone. By doing this, he was binding himself to keep both sides of the covenant! He was not only committing to keep the promises himself, but was also committing that if Abraham failed to remain loyal and keep the covenant, he—God!—would suffer the consequences of that failure…” (Bruno 45-46).

And isn’t that the Gospel!? God came. And He did die. For me. For you.  God walked through those pieces alone—he didn’t ask Abraham to do it. 

Keller goes on to say, however, that Abraham recognizes what we all need to recognize—what my proud little self needs to hear: I CAN’T DO IT! I cannot uphold this agreement.  I will fall short.  And then we all need to hear the answer: God says, “May my immortality suffer mortality. May my power suffer powerlessness…”  In other words, God says, I’ll die for you.  And Christ did.

And I am humbled.  

And it reminds me that I write to you so often about my faith. And I have people tell me that I’m so strong and that my faith is so impressive.  BUT…here me screaming this through the page—I’M NOTHING WITHOUT THE LORD!  I can’t love like God loves. I can’t keep my end of the bargain.  Half the time, my actions portray that I don’t even believe God.  Don’t mistake me, I believe IN God.  But if I would just believe God more… .

Keller goes on to remind us of one of my favorite verses in the Bible:

“I believe; help my unbelief!”

(Mark 9:24). 

And again and again and again, I am humbled. I asked the Lord to humble me this season of life in a way that would not reflect the horror of Nebuchadnezzar’s lesson. My feeble mind imagined it would still be a challenging time—a tough time—of learning.  But the God in heaven has responded once again in a way immeasurably more than anything I could have ever asked for or imagined.  He has humbled me by pouring out His awesome love like a waterfall into a dry pool. 

Oh, God.  Thank you.

Coca-Cola

Originally written: September 27, 2015

Sometimes you just need confirmation. Confirmation that you are where the Lord desires you to be, especially when you feel He is slowly stripping things away. Today I got that confirmation about my coaching: a text from a former player that reminded me the impact a coach can have on a life. They don’t forget what we say. They don’t forget what we teach them. They don’t forget, and as for right now, I believe this is where the Lord wants me (and I am so thankful for that reassurance!).  Did you know “one coach can impact more young people in one year than the average person does in a lifetime?” What an incredible responsibility… .

KRUSADER FOR KADEN

Let's all join in and be Krusaders for Kaden--prayer Krusaders, that is. Grandma Allerding has started a trend with blue bracelets for the little guy! These bracelets are for sale (just ask either Brian or me--or anyone in the Allerding family!) for $5. Our hope is that as we wear them, we will be reminded to lift Kaden and his family up to the Lord in prayer. All the proceeds go directly to the family! Thank you in advance for all your support. 

Unfortunately, the chemo is taking a bit of a toll on him. He has experienced more fatigue and is suffering from sores in his mouth and esophagus. As a result, the little guy is eating less and feeling a dip in energy. They are also still very concerned about the risk of infection. Let's pray tonight that God will hold Kaden in the palm of His hand. As we are reminded in Matthew 6:28-30, look at how the Lord clothes the flowers of the field...how much more will He care for us?

28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you... .