Originally written: July 3, 2015
It’s everywhere. Fear. Today I woke with it inside of me, around me—everywhere. It’s like the darkness that comes upon you as a little child when your mom closes the door after saying good night. It’s instantaneous, all consuming, suffocating. It was the first time since I’d been diagnosed that it was so clearly present—that I could give it a name. What about my kids? What about the future? What about…?
Writing this now, I know where it came from, but it wasn’t so clear to me with my head still upon the pillow. I told Brian it was there as we were getting ready in the bathroom, and I couldn’t escape it as I drove in my car on my way to breakfast to meet my dear friend, Ann. “Lord,” I cried out, “help me!”
I came to a stop at the intersection of Pittsburg and Mount Pleasant, the first car at the red light, and looked to my left. The rolling sign at the Baptist Church has always been a distraction for me at this light. I usually read it while I wait for the light to change, and today the verse scrolling by is so clearly an answer to my prayer: Philippians 4: 6-7.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
And the songs on the CD, they speak to me again: “This mountain that’s in front of me, will be thrown into the midst of the sea.” And in the background you can hear people applauding, whistling, cheering. And although that’s not quite how I feel on the inside, I am abundantly thankful for this clear answer to prayer, and I feel the darkness begin to subside. It creeps away—that monster in the dark--as I make my way along the road. And it really is like a monster in the dark—make believe, in my mind, a shadow on the wall. The enemy at work with fear and doubt and uncertainty.
The fear is not completely gone—but I am refocused, comforted by a power beyond my own making. Once again, I have been given a peace that "transcends all understanding." And I know that this new thing the Lord has given me—MS—will be an ongoing exercise in trust. I can feel the Holy Spirit at work, and I am thankful for it. Some would say that sign was a coincidence, but I don’t believe in coincidence. I believe in Jesus Christ.