Originally written: June 2015
“Simon Peter answered him, ‘Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God.’” John 6:68-69
Something like this is a lot to process. And I know in those first few days, I was mostly struck by the unknown--by the loss of "control" over my own life. It used to be that I would worry about the future all the time. I would argue with my husband about where we would live when he graduated from vet school—I would cry and pout and worry. And worry. And he would remind me that the Lord would provide all of this. When people first hear about my disease, one of the first things I say is that the Lord has been preparing me for this for quite some time. And truly, He has. Worrying about the future is just one of those ways. He has taken this worry off my plate over the past few years, as I’ve grown stronger in my faith. I am reminded in Matthew 6:27 “Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?”
I wish I could say that “worry” as a whole has left my life, but I recognize it is a life long struggle. My husband says if I don’t have anything to worry about that day, that I’ll go out and find something: Didn’t you fill your quota yet today? he’ll ask. And this is why I know the Lord has been preparing my heart for this. Because in terms of the long term, in terms of the future, I don’t worry anymore. In fact, I stopped trying to make plans, recognizing most of the plans I dreamed of were based on earthly possessions or my own selfish desires: a big house, successful kids, lots of money.
MS is all about the future. Yes, it’s immediate: my hands tingle as I type these words. And by evening, they’ll begin to hurt. But so much of the disease is unknown. So much of the disease is dependent on the individual. So much of the disease is in the future.
I know that the Lord has been preparing me.
I pray that the Lord will prepare me.
On Sunday I spent a lot of time in the Gospel of John, particularly chapters five and six. The Lord has been so faithful in this study, beyond even what I can mention here. So the fact that this was all about Jesus as the bread of life was just another nod towards his amazing mercies, even in our darkest hours. Jesus, I was reminded, is the bread of life—he is what sustains us, what satisfies us, what fills us up in the deepest of our core. I was reminded that “whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood remains in me, and I in them” (6:56).
I looked back at my notes from a Bible study I did at my church. It was a quote by Tim Keller that hit hardest:
“What Jesus Christ says is, ‘…I want that through which you dream of a life of power and joy without God. I want the thing you think will give you a life of power and joy without God. And until you have given it to me, not only we’re not right, but you don’t know it—it’s killing you.’”
And I wondered, what am I turning to for my satisfaction? What are my idols, Lord? What is killing me?
But I already knew… and the Lord asked me that evening so clearly and truly whether or not I was still willing to give it ALL up for Him? And I was afraid.
What else will you take, Lord?
I didn’t have to speak it…I couldn’t speak it. But the Lord knows our hearts—the ugliest depths of our innermost thoughts.
And my heart spoke this: Are you going to take basketball? The one place that outside of You my identity is most deeply rooted. The one thing that probably could give me power and joy without you. No, not that could—but that DID give me that before I knew you.
When most people think of me—outside of my red hair (that certainly is a huge part of my identity and ironically enough, also a huge trigger for MS)—I would say they think of me first as the Hoover girls basketball coach. Without going into pages of detail, let’s just say that basketball has consumed much of my life. I won a state championship as a high school player, played in college, coached in college, and have been a high school basketball coach for going on six years now. Before the Lord, “basketball was life”—a phrase so many of my girls use frequently—one at which I cringe on the inside. Because now I know that life is not in sport—is not in winning—it is rooted in Jesus Christ. But it is so easy to idolize basketball and the beautiful and wonderful girls that I coach.
And I was taken back to Hocking Hills—to the birds, and the leaves swaying back and forth like soft bells—jingling a beautiful song, and my heart crying out: I surrender it all.
All. And I meant it.
I think I meant it…
What else are you going to take, Lord?
But chapter 6 continues. What Jesus asks of the people is a very hard teaching and many turn away. So Jesus asks his disciples: “You do not want to leave too, do you?”
Simon Peter is the disciple to respond: “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God.” (John 6:68-69)
And I knew I was ALL IN. I had already surrendered it all.
To whom shall I go, Lord? You have the words of eternal life….
Before bed I had to respond to a text message from someone I don’t see often but love very much. He couldn’t get a hold of the situation, couldn’t grasp why it had to happen to me. And here is what my response to his text message reads:
….I feel compelled to share with you too: You ask, “why me?” But I tell you that Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior and He would say it is nothing I have done “but that this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in me.” I take such comfort in knowing that He died on the cross for me and that I can certainly endure whatever suffering so that perhaps I can be a comfort to someone else in their suffering. You say that I am strong but my strength comes from Jesus—for “when I am weak, then I am strong.” I know I’m being pretty bold and straight forward right now but I want you to know the truth. I love you and hope you’ll continue to see that light and strength in me! … .
I would never have shared that with him if I didn’t have MS. Thank you, Lord.