Originally written: July 15, 2015
Today I sat on my favorite street again—alone in my van--and decided to write down my prayer.
Here is what it reads:
Oh, Lord, I pray…
· You will help me to not have a constant desire to know the future but to live presently for You—to fulfill today’s purpose and pray for tomorrow’s.
· To trust in your long-term plan—to be reminded that it is far beyond my wildest dreams and that although the steps along the way may be far more challenging than I desire, the end result (even one I may not see on this side of eternity) will be far more “than I could ask or imagine.”
· For healing in my hands—that the lesion in my spine will heal and that my hands might be fully restored.
· For complete healing, whether now or in the future with the recognition that the God who reigns over all the earth, the God who gives orders to the morning, who shows the dawn its place, who “might take the earth by the edges and shake the wicked out of it” (Job 38: 12-13) can restore me to full health.
· BUT to also recognize this very same God may choose to use my MS even more effectively to further the kingdom if I am not healed.
· For the willingness to accept this. That if there is any way for me to live an “almost normal” life—without a wheelchair, without drastic changes to my mind and physical health, I will fall at Your feet and praise You.
· But that above all, I will surrender my selfish desires and desire first that Your will be done in my life and not my own.
· To take comfort, as I watch the leaves sway in the wind, that You know every blade of grass, that You know every hair on my head and that you knew about my MS even before I was born—that you have been preparing me for this every hour since my first breath and that you will never leave me.
· Never leave me, Lord.
· Thank you for helping me to dawn the Armor of God. Each day I wake, help me to hold so tightly to the shield of faith—to “extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one” and to use to Your honor the sword of the Spirit “which is the word of God.”
· I love you, Lord, and yet know that my love is insufficient—that I first need your love, Jesus’ love, which He surrendered at the cross.
· Thank you for the cross—so humanly and selfishly so because I do not have to face MS alone. Thank you that I can cry out to You and feel the Holy Spirit alive and at work in me.
· Forgive me when I doubt—when I question if all this really is true.
· I do believe. Help my unbelief!
· Thank you for loving me even when I don’t deserve to be loved.
· Oh, God! Have mercy on me!
· Forgive me my idols—the things I cling to for worth and value and earthly gain. Help me to surrender them to you fully.
· I pray for Brian—protect him, guard him, help me to love him better, to love him like You love me, or as closely as I can.
· To be a light to my children and my team, that they will see me and know Your love.
· Take the ugly parts of my heart and dust them off and take them out. Fill me with all the fullness of God—that I might lean into You, oh Lord, and grow in my faith.
In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.